Why we don't write to old friends: psychologists explain the reasons

Many of us have experienced this feeling: you suddenly remember someone you used to be close to and reach for the phone to write a few warm words. But at the last moment, you erase the message. If this sounds familiar to you, you're not alone.

According to researchers, up to 90% of people have an "old friend" with whom they have lost contact but would like to reconnect. However, only about 30% actually decide to take this step - even if the relationship hasn't deteriorated, contact has been maintained, and it seems that the friend will be happy with your message, The Conversation writes

The paradox is that stable social ties are one of the keys to happiness and well-being. A wide social circle has been shown by numerous studies to be directly linked to better mental health. Yet most people prefer not to reach out for fear of being misunderstood or 'breaking boundaries'.

Researchers from Canada conducted a large-scale study to find out what determines whether a person will write to an old friend. At one stage, participants wrote more than 850 short messages to old friends. Some messages were sent, others were not. The scientists analysed them according to more than 20 criteria: length of text, emotionality, presence of memories, temporal focus (past, present, future), and whether the participants acknowledged their guilt about losing contact.

The result was unexpected: none of these factors predicted which message would be sent. No matter how warm or personal a text was - it didn't mean it would actually be sent. This suggests that the style or content of the message itself does not determine behaviour.

The second phase of the study involved 312 people who were interviewed on the streets and on a university campus. Each participant had to think of one friend they hadn't spoken to in a while, but who they thought would like to receive a message. Participants then talked about themselves: their levels of happiness, loneliness, their character and their views on friendship.

They were also asked to write a short message in 2 minutes and then decide if they wanted to send it. As in previous studies, around a third (34 per cent) did send a message. However, only one factor was found to be statistically significant: the belief that true friendships can withstand a pause. The scientists called this indicator "friendship resiliency" (friendship resilience).

The study showed that hesitation before the first message is normal. And it does not depend on age, gender or character. Moreover, once a person does make the first step, the chances of a positive response are very high. Scientists advise not to wait for the perfect occasion or text - a short phrase is enough: "Hi, it's been a while. How are you?"

Any trigger can become a reason - a song from the past, an old photo or just a memory of time together.