You don't have to try harder: the real secret to happy parenthood

Parenting stress is becoming a very common phenomenon in today's world: parents are increasingly faced with fatigue and the feeling that they can't cope.

As researcher Elizabeth Sharda writes for The Conversation, the problem is not so much a lack of effort on the part of parents, but a misconception that everything needs to be done on their own.

Modern parenting: why is it so hard?

Research shows: parental stress is a negative reaction to the mismatch between the demands of parenthood and the resources available. In recent decades, the level of such stress has only increased. In the wake of the pandemic, nearly half of parents in the U.S. admitted that they feel overwhelmed most days.

Such stress not only affects parents' mental health, but also intimacy in their relationships with their children. At the same time, guilt is common: many parents feel they are not organised or efficient enough, comparing themselves to other people's 'perfect' social media stories.

Top myth: the family has to manage on its own

For most of human history, children were raised in a communal or multi-level family structure. Hunters and gatherers relied on the help of relatives and clan members. Modern science confirms this: humans are originally psychologically "hardwired" for collective parenting, not solitary struggle.

Anthropologists use the term "alloparents" - adults who are not biological parents, but participate in the care of children. For example, a 2021 study found: in a contemporary community in the Philippines, alloparents account for up to 75 per cent of care for infants and even more for children aged 2-6.

In contrast, the model of the 'nuclear' family - where parents alone have full responsibility for children - is relatively new and developed during the industrialisation era. Nevertheless, the ideal of complete autonomy continues to be supported today, despite the increase in single-parent families and changes in society.

Why support is important

Scientific evidence confirms: support from other adults is key to family stability and child well-being. Numerous studies, including among parents of children with special needs, prove that "other people's" help is really important.

Support can be of various kinds:

• Material (for example, help with transport or dinner);

• Emotional (sympathy, participation, empathy);

• Informational (advice, knowledge, expertise).

Different parenting problems require different types of support. For example, if parents have several commitments at the same time, sometimes it is the material support - someone to drive the child to training or babysit - that is missing.

How to move to a team approach

Reducing stress and increasing family well-being requires not individual heroism, but change at all levels, from federal policy to the culture of the individual family. In 2024, parental stress is recognised as a public health emergency in the US, and interventions are being proposed, from developing mental health systems to investing in social infrastructure such as libraries and parks.

What every parent can do

Experts suggest some practical steps to move from dedicated 'solo sailing' to collective caring:

1. Analyse your environment. Assess what kinds of support are missing: there may be someone to talk to, but no one to help.

2. Make acquaintances gradually. Meet neighbours, other parents, ask for help from those who meet regularly at playgrounds or sporting events.

3. Offer to help others. Research shows that supporting others contributes to your own well-being and builds up a "reserve" in case you need help.

4. Learning to ask for and accept support. This is difficult for many people, but practice shows that people are more willing to help than they think, and agreeing to accept help unleashes others who are afraid to ask.

5. Soften expectations. Accept that others' care for the child may differ from your standards. It's important to determine what is truly fundamental and what you can let go of for the sake of more support.

Moving to collective parenting is a challenge for a culture of individualism, but it is much more natural to human nature and more effective for the psyche of parents and children," the researcher summarises.